


Grant me Serenity

by Whoops_heck



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Honestly guys, M/M, Muteness, Parent/Child Incest, Rape, Rape/Non-con Elements, Selective Muteness, Trauma, what the fuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-23
Updated: 2017-06-23
Packaged: 2018-11-17 22:56:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11278497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whoops_heck/pseuds/Whoops_heck
Summary: Akaashi had known nothing but aching bones and purple bruises."Akaashi? How come you never smile?"His father's words are flowing through his head faster than he can comprehend.'Wipe that smile of your face you look like a faggot.''Respectable men don't display emotions.''You missed two points on this test, that's nothing to smile about'"I don't know really."





	Grant me Serenity

**Author's Note:**

> Be ready for pain and sadness and wht the fuckness and everyrhing in between. Seriously, read the warning, take care of yourself, enjoy hopefulyl, comment bookmark and kudo if you so please
> 
> p.s Good song = I look up to you - lake

My smile is made of wilk white teeth and bleeding gums. I've got scars from split lips and dimples from my mother. My steps are light and graceful, counted out in my head like clockwork. My mind is one that holds the potential of a great artist while being held in the cage of depression I call my daily life.

I go through my days in silence, any communication is done through nodding. No eye contact. No disrespect. Don't talk back and don't you dare role your eyes. 

You know how that went last time.

Calculate your breathing. Quiet but don't hold your breath. Don't arouse suspicion but don't relax. Never relax. Be on guard for the swing of a beer bottle. Protect your face.

You can only break your nose so many times before people begin to question you.

My life is planned out. 

My steps are followed and so are the rules.

Some call it abuse.

I agree.

It's abuse but I deserve it. After everything I've done they could starve me for a week and I'd only nod my head in agreement. This was a fair punishment after all.

I killed my mother. Child birth was not her friend and in return my father's not mine.

If he is than he's a shit friend.

Just saying.

I don't go to school. At least I didn't. From preeschool to year eight my father has taught me. But now he has to work. He's too busy. He can't be bothered.

This year I'm going to highschool.

"Fuck this up and I won't hesitate to end you. Don't test me Keiji. You know the consequences if you mess this up."

I nod my head and grip the strap of my backpack tight in my hand.

"Good, you may go."

The walk to school is long but my father 'won't have his son go to some second tier level of education'.

It's almost an hour later when I'm met with the bustling campus of Fukurodani. There's a lot of people. More than I've probably ever seen in one place. 

There are girls woth short skirts. Guys with messy uniforms. Undone ties. Shoes with there laces loose. Uncombed hair. Blazers with their buttons neglected.

Everyone is so wild,

so free.

There chatter is overwhelming. They talk so much. Not a second can be spent in silence and I don't know how to fill the white noise. 

Calm down Keiji, just walk into the school.

So I do.

As in most things regarding highschool I am brutally unprepared for the onslaught of voices saying join this or join that, become a member of this or sponser a trip somewhere. Faces and flyers come in and out of his vision like clockwork, only the clock is spinning out of control and no one can properly read the time.

That seems accurate.

My father's voice rings in my ear, "You are to join a club. I do not care which so long as it does not negatively impact your appearance or the appearance of this family."

I chance a look around and begin to calm down. My feet have carried me away from most of the noise.

I can do this.

Golden eyes meet mine and I know for a fact,

I can't do this I can't do this I can't do this I can't do this I can't d-

"Hey there, any chance you want to join the volleyball club?"

"Sure."

My voice is crisp and clear.

Rehearsed.

"Really? That's great! My name's Bokuto Koutarou, what's yours?"

"Akaashi Keiji."

\-----

"Akaashi? How come you never smile?"

His father's words are flowing through his head faster than he can comprehend.

'Wipe that smile of your face you look like a faggot.'

'Respectable men don't display emotions.'

'You missed two points on this test, that's nothing to smile about'

"I don't know really."

\-----

A pattern has begun to appear in my behavior and the behavior of those around me. 

Someone will pat me on the back, ruffle my hair, you name it any kind of physical contact and I will flinch. Proceeding said flinch the other's will look around nervously. As if having a mental conversation with one another.

I try to stop flinching but I simply cannot. No matter how calm I make myself the second someone makes contact I lurch away. I've tried what must be a hundred different technics and tricks to stop but they only seem to get more violent.

In reality I know why I'm flinching.

I just chose to ignore it.

The other's are getting suspicious that much I can tell. My teammates aren't stupid and I know one of them saw the bruise on my stomach. All purple and red. A couple kicks the next day made them almost black. I'm just glad he didn't see them then.

"Hey Akaashi."

A gentle voice calls. I hold contact with a golden gaze and he lays a hand gently on my shoulder. I don't flinch.

Score.

"Nice toss."

No one does sudden movements anymore. They announce their presence, make eyecontact, and then go for the movement.

I don't flinch as much as I used to.

\-----

"I'm concerned about him."

"I am too, did Komi tell you about the bruise he saw?"

Murmers of agreement float behind the corner I'm currently hiding behind. They talk so loud anyway it's not like it's difficult to eavesdrop.

"Should we tell the counsellor?"

"We don't have any proof."

"We have suspicions though."

"It's not enough."

"Than what can we do?"

"Give him support as a team and as friends. Other than that there's nothing we can do."

\-----

I walk in a few weeks later with a black eye, split lip, and bruised cheek. Purple and black fighting for dominance on pale skin. 

No one says anything.

\-----

"Akaashi, can I talk to you for a moment?"

I nod, a habit.

The coach leads me into the hallway and I'm scared. I'm so fucking scared. He's going to hit you. Tell you you're worthless. To get off the team. He's going to curse you for wasting his time. Call you a faggot and beat the shit out of you. Put his hands on you. Say you deserv-

"Is everything alright?"

I nod.

"Who hurt you?"

I don't say anything. Keep my eyes on my shoes as always. 

"Akaashi I can't help you if you don't talk to me."

My eyes don't move, nor do my lips.

"You can talk to me."

He puts his hand on my shoulder and I push away his hand fast on instinct. Scared of the touch. Scared of the pain that comes with the touch of an adult man. God dammit. I fucked it up.

"Akaashi?"

"I-i'm sorry. I've got to go. I can't make practice tonight either. S-sorry."

And I'm running down the hallway, no destination in mind. I leave my bag. Leave my phone.

I'm left with only my sneakers and tears.

\-----

Bruises heal. 

\-----

"Akaashi Keiji please report to Mrs. Amari's office."

I pack up my bag, stand up, avoid eyecontact, and shuffle out of the room.

The hallways are longer than I remember and I can't recall her office being this far away.

My steps are sluggish.

I quit volleyball.

"Ah, Akaashi please have a seat."

I don't remember opening the door. I sit anyway gaze stuck on my hands. Thumbs twidling. 

"Do you know why I called you in here today?"

I shake my head.

"Some teammates have been concerned about you."

"I'm not on a team."

I mumble the words but don't have the heart to repeat them any louder.

"Ok, some former teammates are worried about you."

I stay silent and realize she expected me to respond. I don't. I sit and stare at my hand with the intensity of a thousand burning suns. 

The silence wraps it's way around my neck and squeezes. Pressure builds and I can't breathe.

"I have to go."

I choke out. It's choppy. Rough sounding.

Unrehearsed.

Disgusting.

"Akaashi, we're still talking."

"No, no, no. I can't do this. I need to go. I need air. Please just let me go. I have to, i..."

I break into sobs.

\-----

"I got a call from your principal today."

My eyes dart up to his and I braced myself for impact. 

"We had an agreement."

His voice is calm. Too fucking calm. This is too much. 

"Get upstairs."

"Upstairs?"

My throat is in his hand. I'm pinned to a wall. He hadn't given me permission to speak. He hadn't, oh god I can't believe I'm so fucking stupid.

Tears fill my eyes and I can't fucking breath.

He drops me to the ground.

"Get upstairs."

I don't hesitate.

\-----

I'm left with bruises the shape of hands around my hips. 

\-----

I can't talk anymore. 

I can, but I won't.

My sobs are the only noise that's ripped from my throat.

\-----

It's not a one time thing. 

I can't scream for help.

\-----

"Akaashi?"

My eyes dart up to eyed that don't shine as bright as they used to.

Nothing does anymore. It's monotone. Greyscale. Uneventful.

I cast my gaze down again.

"Come back to the team."

I let his statement hang in the air for a moment. Hoping that somehow it will compell me to agree. But I can't. I won't be pulled back to the thing that made everyrhing worse. I got too close. People started realizing that something wasn't right.

"If not that, then at least tell me what happened. What did we do? What did I do?"

I keep my head down.

"Please Akaashi."

A sob tears through him. I can't be seen with him right now. Don't bring attention to yourself Keiji. Run.

I gather my things and leave him a crying mess.

\-----

I stop going to school.

\-----

My father's friends join him.

\-----

I want to die.

I want it all to stop.

The pain,

the tainting, 

the rough hands, 

the bruises, 

everything. 

I need it to stop.

\-----

The lick of a blade is painful. My cuts are shaky and rough. My hands tremble as I hold the razor above my thighs. It's bleeding a lot but I don't have it in me to care.

\-----

My house I should empty and my family tree is in jail. Its roots clipped and clawed from the earth. I am a sapling trying to grow into he frozen ground. It is not ideal, far from it. 

I am scooped out left with the bare essentials. 

My voice not included.

But it is better, better than it had ever been with him. There is support and love and a house which is warm. Overcrowded and loud, but so warm that my fingers begin to thaw. The summer is ending and I start to feel the sun on my skin. 

My father is in jail and I am free, for the first time.

I am free

\------

"Join the astronomy club?"

First day of being a second year. I barely made it through last time. My perfect attendance in the first half of the year saved me from having to repeat a grade.

"Support our school, join Student Council."

The Counselor has scheduled one meeting a week with me. He'd done the same last year I just never showed up.

"Foreign Exchange Student oppurtunities in Canada, France, and Russia."

I'm scared to see you. I know you're out there somewhere promoting the god damn volleyball club.

I know you're out there Bokuto, somewhere in the crowd you've got to be there.

"Join Sign Language Club."

I'm down to one or two word answers. I took online courses, I practiced for weeks, I read a book called 'How to get over your trauma' and many of similair variety, and I see a therapist. All trying to get rid of my stupid muteness.

After that it was to get rid of the stutter.

"The Tennis team is having tryouts later today. Check it out."

I'm in the sports section. Flyers are piled in my hand and I can't help but think back to when I was a first year. Walking in for the first time, so overwhelmed, so scared. 

Not much has changed.

"Akaashi?"

I keep my eyes at my shoes but approach none the less.

"Hello B-b-bokuto san."

Shit. The three b's? Really? I thought we trained you out of this. Shit. Shit. Shit.

"Do you," he pauses as if unsure what to say,"want to join the club?"

I nod.

"Yes, yes I d-do."

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed, leave me a comment telling me what's goung on in your head after reading this
> 
> If it's not clear Akaashi got out of his abusive situation and is on the road to recovery


End file.
